Every manager hired some employees they wish they never hired. To make light of - and also put light on - hiring losers, I now give you a special gift:
a. Jokes about types of employees you wish you never hired
b. Solutions: Methods you can use - so you avoid hiring such creeps
Solutions include pre-employment tests, special interview tips and more to help you stop putting lousy employees on your company's payroll.
LAZY
Joke #1 = Some employees are so lazy... even if they have a work-from-home job, they still get to work late.
Solution: Use a pre-employment test that measures Work Ethic. If an applicant scores low on the test's Work Ethic scale, then you need to find someone with more gumption and industriousness.
DUMB
Joke #2 = Some employees are so stupid... when they find out they can apply for other jobs online, they ask, "Where does the line start?"
Admit it: You hired some employees who have the IQ of room temperature.
You create expensive problems when you hire employees who are not smart enough for the job. They find it hard or impossible to (a) learn the job and (2) correctly solve problems encountered on-the-job.
Solution: Pre-employment tests of mental or cognitive abilities helps you hire people who are smart enough to learn and handle a job. Mental abilities tests help you measure brainpower abilities, such as
* Problem-Solving
* Vocabulary
* Arithmetic
* Grammar
* Handling Small Details
Importantly, you need to determine specific "benchmark scores" you need for each job. You do this by conducting a "benchmarking study." Have your best employees take the mental abilities pre-employment tests. From that, you discover the test scores they get. Then, you can prefer hiring applicants who get pre-employment test scores similar to your best employees.
NASTY & MEAN
Joke #3 = Some employees are so mean... they would make monks curse.
Solution: A pre-employment test that forecasts behavior on-the-job can help you avoid hiring nasty and wicked people. Mean people may get horribly high scores on certain pre-employment test scales:
* Aggressiveness
* Excitable
* Power Motivation
So, if an applicant gets high scores on those pre-employment test scales, you may want to find a better, nicer applicant.
CRIMINALS
Joke #4 = Some employees are such criminals... they ask you to call them by their nickname - which is two letters - "JL."
Solution: A pre-employment test forecasting potential criminal behavior may help you avoid hiring unsavory characters. Using a dependability pre-employment test, beware when you test an applicant, and the applicant gets "high-risk" or bad scores on these two test scales:
* Theft/Stealing concerns
* Substance Abuse concerns
For example, one pre-employment test I researched and created has those two scales, along with three other scales. To research and develop the Theft/Stealing scale, hundreds of prisoners locked-up in jails - convicted of stealing crimes - filled-out my research questionnaires. For the test's Substance Abuse scale, hundreds of people convicted of DUI and/or drug possession answered my research questionnaires. Also, hundreds of non-thieves and non-substance abusers answer my research questionnaires - to serve as comparison groups.
From that huge research project, I discovered specific questions convicted thieves or substance abusers answered statistically significantly differently then non-thieves or non-substance abusers.
That pre-employment test includes questions that help you differentiate (a) criminals from non-criminals and also (b) substance abusers from non-substance abusers.
Make sure you hire people who are unlikely to be thieves or substance abusers.
CRAZY
Joke #5 = Some employees are so crazy... even their imaginary friends won't play with them.
Solution: Pre-employment tests do not predict if an applicant is mentally ill. Fortunately, a behavior pre-employment test tells if an applicant may have work-related "personality problems" that result in the person being a difficult employee.
For example, I notice people with unpleasant work-related personality quirks often score the following on a behavior pre-employment test:
* Low score on Subjective Reaction to Pressure - a whiner
* Pessimistic - down-in-the-dumps and low confidence
* Highly Excitable - do not light a match near them
If the applicant also scores high on the pre-employment test's Aggressiveness scale, then you should avoid that job candidate like a plague.
UNHEALTHY
Joke # 6 = Some employees are so unhealthy... when they go to a club they order gravy-on-the-rocks.
O.K. You're not supposed to take health matters into account when hiring. Instead, you need to focus on hiring people who can do the job.
But, then your company complains about healthcare costs.
Q = Who rings up a lot of your company's healthcare costs?
A = Employees who lead unhealthy lifestyles.
"Wellness programs" are popping up in companies - to help employees transform their unhealthy lifestyles into healthy lifestyles. If your company might need a wellness program, ask yourself if the reason is because it hired many people who have unhealthy lifestyles, resulting in huge healthcare costs.
Solution: Of course, follow employment rules and guidelines. But, if you have an applicant who oozes unhealthy attributes, then you might see if you can find another qualified applicant who does not look like death warmed over. Then, you decide which one you hire.
CHEAP
Joke #7 = Some employees are so cheap... they chase garbage trucks with their shopping lists.
This is a huge problem: Some managers feel thrilled buying cheap products or services. But they do not weigh the cheap cost versus the product's or service's quality and actual results. As you know, cheap seldom equals quality.
Before starting my consulting firm, I was a corporate manager at a big company. We described such cheap managers using this put-down: "Some managers feel thrilled to save a nickel - but, in the outcome, they waste a quarter.'
Solution: In the job interview, ask for examples of purchasing decisions the manager candidate made. Probe how they made buying decisions. Did the candidate (A) focus on buying the cheapest items or (B) analyze the quality of the product or service obtained for the cost involved? Avoid hiring managers who pride themselves in doing (A) - but show little or no regard for (B).
RECOMMENDATION - for YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO HIRE THE BEST
Pre-employment tests and certain job interview methods help you avoid hiring people who are lazy, dumb, act wacky, or have other unwanted characteristics. Yes, I realize I made jokes about many types of employees you wish you did not hire. The jokes are funny. But, you never find it humorous dealing with lousy employees. So, use pre-employment tests and careful job interviewing to make sure you avoid hiring clowns
неделя, 24 октомври 2010 г.
Cute Friendship Quotes and Jokes
People just love to have a good laugh and enjoy life. This is why we read jokes and funny stories. However you might not know it but there are lots of quote cute and friendship quotes that will do this trick as well.
The main difference between funny cute quotes and jokes is the length. Most of the jokes are pretty long because this are like a short story. On the other side on the coin, the quotes are much shorter and can combine a deep meaning within just few words. The common thing between the two is that they can both be real. A quote or a joke always has a little bit of true, it is something that has been existing in the past and preserved until our very own time. There are also special joke that called "one liner" those types are resemble to the quotes because of the short length.
However there is one big difference between friendship quotes and jokes. The propose of the quotes is not only to make you smile but also to teach you a lesson. There is a lot of wisdom in the quotes world so if we read carefully those words and try to see behind the line and figuring out the deep meaning we can see that although it's funny it has a valuable lesson for us.
For example this cute quote by Harry S. Truman: "You know that it is a recession when your friend loses his job, but it is a depression when you lose yours." When bad things happen to other people we sometimes don't notice and even laugh on it just to keep the bad things out of our lives. But when it affects us than it is really tragedy for us. Although these world are represented like a little joke, it is actually true when we speaking on the surviving human nature.
The main difference between funny cute quotes and jokes is the length. Most of the jokes are pretty long because this are like a short story. On the other side on the coin, the quotes are much shorter and can combine a deep meaning within just few words. The common thing between the two is that they can both be real. A quote or a joke always has a little bit of true, it is something that has been existing in the past and preserved until our very own time. There are also special joke that called "one liner" those types are resemble to the quotes because of the short length.
However there is one big difference between friendship quotes and jokes. The propose of the quotes is not only to make you smile but also to teach you a lesson. There is a lot of wisdom in the quotes world so if we read carefully those words and try to see behind the line and figuring out the deep meaning we can see that although it's funny it has a valuable lesson for us.
For example this cute quote by Harry S. Truman: "You know that it is a recession when your friend loses his job, but it is a depression when you lose yours." When bad things happen to other people we sometimes don't notice and even laugh on it just to keep the bad things out of our lives. But when it affects us than it is really tragedy for us. Although these world are represented like a little joke, it is actually true when we speaking on the surviving human nature.
Democrat Jokes
There are a lot of funny things that democrats do. Typically, the Republicans and other conservatives love to poke fun at (1) how much money the democrats spend, (2) the increase, in size, of the government, and (3) taking away freedom of choice. Besides these three main points, conservatives love to make Democrat jokes for the simple reason that it is a good way to "blow off some steam".
How Much Money The Democrats Spend
One favorite joke about Democrats is how much money they spend. If there is a social program, Democrats look to support it. A billion for this and a trillion for that have created a huge deficit for the United States. The irony is that it's not all the Democrats fault. The Republicans have spent Zillions on Defense and corporate welfare and a drug prescription program. The point is that the conservatives love to point out that government has no business in social welfare. Instead, many conservatives believe that people can voluntarily be charitable and fill the needs that government fills for a lot less money and with the important ingredient of voluntary consent.
Here is an example of one of these jokes. What did the Democrat say to the Republican about the government spending too much money for welfare? "If only you had a heart, you wouldn't allow others to suffer and die needlessly". The conservative responded "If only YOU had a heart, you wouldn't be trying to take out a piece of mine without consent".
The Continual Increase, in Size, of the Government
Government is so big and nosey, nowadays, that people call it their big brother. They are "looking out for you and taking care of you". Many democrats wish that the government would take care of the needs of all the people. Democrats are not so concerned with how large the government is, but are more concerned with how people are treated and taken care of. They are, in effect, voting for the regular working person.
Conservatives, on the other hand, like to help people. Many conservatives donate liberally to their churches and charities. However, conservatives think that social programs are not the responsibility of the government. For example, conservatives believe that your family, church, and friends should take care of you. If that doesn't work, you can always depend on the kindness of strangers.
Here is an example of a joke about the size of government. A Republican and Democrat were talking one day about how big the government was. The Democrat said, " The government is getting pretty large, but I like it that way. That way, I know that I will always have someone looking out for me and taking care of me". The Republican replied, " I would agree with you that it is nice to have someone looking out for you. However, I think a real person is a better someone than any government program."
Taking Away Freedom of Choice
Conservatives think that what you earn should be yours to keep. Taxes should be low and the government should be light. This gives people an incentive to work hard and be productive. They can actually get ahead a lot easier because they retain more wealth. More importantly, conservatives believe it is wrong to take money from one person and give it to someone else. In fact, a lot of conservatives consider this redistribution of wealth as legal theft.
Democrats, on the other hand, believe big corporations are evil. They exploit workers and do not pay them fairly or treat them right. That is why big corporations must be taxes. Democrats also believe that nobody is going to step up and help people out. That is why the government must step in and do it. They believe the kind thing to do is tax those that have more and give to those that have less. They often think that those that don't want to share their wealth are simply "evil" or misinformed people. That is why they do not have a problem with wealth redistribution.
These two opposing ideas have intertwined a freedom aspect. People are taxed for government programs and regulations are imposed that take away freedoms. Some people think of rules as a way to help society become better and yet others think the lightest government of all will be best regardless of the consequences.
Here is an example, of regulatory joke, about the oil spill. Obama's famous last words: Regarding the oil leaking a mile deep in the gulf, "We'll get to the bottom of this." Speaking of BP paying for the clean up, "We'll spare no expense." Seeing the murky mess in the water, "I want to make this clear." Speaking to the BP execs, "Make no mistake." Then trying to be the man in charge, "We're going to kick ass, when we find out whose ass to kick!"
How Much Money The Democrats Spend
One favorite joke about Democrats is how much money they spend. If there is a social program, Democrats look to support it. A billion for this and a trillion for that have created a huge deficit for the United States. The irony is that it's not all the Democrats fault. The Republicans have spent Zillions on Defense and corporate welfare and a drug prescription program. The point is that the conservatives love to point out that government has no business in social welfare. Instead, many conservatives believe that people can voluntarily be charitable and fill the needs that government fills for a lot less money and with the important ingredient of voluntary consent.
Here is an example of one of these jokes. What did the Democrat say to the Republican about the government spending too much money for welfare? "If only you had a heart, you wouldn't allow others to suffer and die needlessly". The conservative responded "If only YOU had a heart, you wouldn't be trying to take out a piece of mine without consent".
The Continual Increase, in Size, of the Government
Government is so big and nosey, nowadays, that people call it their big brother. They are "looking out for you and taking care of you". Many democrats wish that the government would take care of the needs of all the people. Democrats are not so concerned with how large the government is, but are more concerned with how people are treated and taken care of. They are, in effect, voting for the regular working person.
Conservatives, on the other hand, like to help people. Many conservatives donate liberally to their churches and charities. However, conservatives think that social programs are not the responsibility of the government. For example, conservatives believe that your family, church, and friends should take care of you. If that doesn't work, you can always depend on the kindness of strangers.
Here is an example of a joke about the size of government. A Republican and Democrat were talking one day about how big the government was. The Democrat said, " The government is getting pretty large, but I like it that way. That way, I know that I will always have someone looking out for me and taking care of me". The Republican replied, " I would agree with you that it is nice to have someone looking out for you. However, I think a real person is a better someone than any government program."
Taking Away Freedom of Choice
Conservatives think that what you earn should be yours to keep. Taxes should be low and the government should be light. This gives people an incentive to work hard and be productive. They can actually get ahead a lot easier because they retain more wealth. More importantly, conservatives believe it is wrong to take money from one person and give it to someone else. In fact, a lot of conservatives consider this redistribution of wealth as legal theft.
Democrats, on the other hand, believe big corporations are evil. They exploit workers and do not pay them fairly or treat them right. That is why big corporations must be taxes. Democrats also believe that nobody is going to step up and help people out. That is why the government must step in and do it. They believe the kind thing to do is tax those that have more and give to those that have less. They often think that those that don't want to share their wealth are simply "evil" or misinformed people. That is why they do not have a problem with wealth redistribution.
These two opposing ideas have intertwined a freedom aspect. People are taxed for government programs and regulations are imposed that take away freedoms. Some people think of rules as a way to help society become better and yet others think the lightest government of all will be best regardless of the consequences.
Here is an example, of regulatory joke, about the oil spill. Obama's famous last words: Regarding the oil leaking a mile deep in the gulf, "We'll get to the bottom of this." Speaking of BP paying for the clean up, "We'll spare no expense." Seeing the murky mess in the water, "I want to make this clear." Speaking to the BP execs, "Make no mistake." Then trying to be the man in charge, "We're going to kick ass, when we find out whose ass to kick!"
Funny Jokes - A Way of Sharing Joy
There is no denying the fact that wit and humor are as essential in our daily lives as a fresh breath of air. We all crave for moments of joy and laughter and their presence indeed makes life a beautiful experience worth living. From the trivial activities marked and characterized by good humor to the extravagantly funny remarks that we so often encounter in our day to day life, laughter is indeed a much craved from of joyful expression and there is no better or faster way to provoke and produce laughter among individuals than by listening to or reading funny jokes.
If you are one those individuals who look for your daily comic strip in the newspaper first thing in the morning then you'll be delighted to find out that the world wide web is one platform that is full of free funny jokes and liners to put the joy back into your busy and hectic schedules.
Technology has enabled the expression of ideas and possibilities to an extent that we never imagined before.
We now have dedicated websites on the World Wide Web which provide individuals with a huge collection of free jokes. Jokes may be of many types and may belong to numerous categories. They may be related to professions such as medicine or engineering or they might as well be a simple humorous anecdote that you or someone else encountered in their day to day life. The basic idea behind all the kinds is simple and one- i.e. to provoke laughter. However, as the internet boasts a humongous database that is accessible by all and varied age groups and thought pools; it is quite possible that you may come across some crude jokes or disturbingly explicit humor not suitable for young adults. Furthermore, there might be jokes targeting certain ethnic groups or beliefs and sharing these jokes in public might provoke feelings of resentments and discord or even worse, might even hurt the feelings or a friend or a colleague. For this reason it is highly recommended that you opt for clean funny jokes instead of crude or dirty jokes.
Websites dedicated to providing good funny jokes to their users and visitors focus not only on casual funny events and pictures but also on children jokes and clean jokes that can be equally shared with family and friends without any hesitation. You will find funny jokes related to parenting, college jokes, school jokes, marriage jokes, bar jokes, home jokes, miscellaneous jokes, one-liners etc.
Jokes not only help people smile while relieving them of their numerous stresses and strains but they actually help individuals recover their health by improving their moods and general outlook towards life. Funny jokes are an excellent way of sharing joy and laughter with your loved ones, be it parties or get-togethers or whether you are enjoying a tranquil moment alone in your favorite spot at home.
If you are one those individuals who look for your daily comic strip in the newspaper first thing in the morning then you'll be delighted to find out that the world wide web is one platform that is full of free funny jokes and liners to put the joy back into your busy and hectic schedules.
Technology has enabled the expression of ideas and possibilities to an extent that we never imagined before.
We now have dedicated websites on the World Wide Web which provide individuals with a huge collection of free jokes. Jokes may be of many types and may belong to numerous categories. They may be related to professions such as medicine or engineering or they might as well be a simple humorous anecdote that you or someone else encountered in their day to day life. The basic idea behind all the kinds is simple and one- i.e. to provoke laughter. However, as the internet boasts a humongous database that is accessible by all and varied age groups and thought pools; it is quite possible that you may come across some crude jokes or disturbingly explicit humor not suitable for young adults. Furthermore, there might be jokes targeting certain ethnic groups or beliefs and sharing these jokes in public might provoke feelings of resentments and discord or even worse, might even hurt the feelings or a friend or a colleague. For this reason it is highly recommended that you opt for clean funny jokes instead of crude or dirty jokes.
Websites dedicated to providing good funny jokes to their users and visitors focus not only on casual funny events and pictures but also on children jokes and clean jokes that can be equally shared with family and friends without any hesitation. You will find funny jokes related to parenting, college jokes, school jokes, marriage jokes, bar jokes, home jokes, miscellaneous jokes, one-liners etc.
Jokes not only help people smile while relieving them of their numerous stresses and strains but they actually help individuals recover their health by improving their moods and general outlook towards life. Funny jokes are an excellent way of sharing joy and laughter with your loved ones, be it parties or get-togethers or whether you are enjoying a tranquil moment alone in your favorite spot at home.
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